Rambling #2 - Solidifying My Concept

Good day, all.

After 3 days of absolute radio silence, I am back to work! Really felt like I had to take a few days off to rest because things had just gotten a tad bit overbearing for some reason. Like my friend said yesterday - I don't want to make any excuses but lockdown be kinda affecting us negatively, huh? Feels like another wave of lockdown blues is upon a part of us all. Hope you're at the very least doing alright regardless, though. I don't even remember the last few couple of days all that well, it's all just a big blur, when I do remember what went on, it kind of feels surreal and I end up questioning everything. It's not a pleasant period, that's for sure, but it'll eventually be ok, just have to pummel through till then. At least 

From this point on I will focus more on the project that I am currently working on so if you're not too familiar with the project or my idea for it, I'd suggest reading up on these 2 posts to "catch up" if you haven't. Click here to read the initial post introducing the project and here for some development. (I will talk about the topic and the ideas I have further down in the post but clicks/views are always appreciated)

I realized after my tutorial that even though I do have a lot of it settled already, there is not much substance or I guess clear direction just yet. My tutor pointed out that there was not enough of the personal element, or at least not as much as my presentation made there out to be - and that's true - I always get caught up in figuring out how my project will look that I sometimes end up forgetting what I initially wanted to go for conceptually. Which is why I am making this post now, to sort of cement my concept and fully develop it along the way. I will probably write a lot, hence the title of the post. 

I think the best first step one can take when cementing a concept is explaining the topic/theme that they wish to tackle with their project as understanding your topic is key to a good result.

The topic of my project is Dermatillomania, or rather, my personal experience with Dermatillomania, Dematillomania through my eyes, however you wish to put it, but regardless, it is a commentary on the condition from a personal standpoint. I feel like that is what I kind of what I lost when developing the concept as I really focused more on - as my tutor put it - making it physically unpleasant to look at, but that's about it, nothing about my ideas which I presented were hinting at the personal experience part of it. I had some concepts tied into it, but unfortunately, my anxiety kicked in when talking and I got a tad bit lost and forgot what I wanted to say. It wasn't a lot of ideas but still, felt a bit displeased with myself for not bringing them up.

So what is that personal experience? What is special or unique about it? Why is it something that stuck with me up till present day and will probably haunt me for years to come? What was the cause of my disorder? Why did I do what I did? Why do I still "practice" it? What do I want to say with my piece? What emotions do I want to evoke in the viewer? These are the questions that I should've asked myself on day 1. I really should work on how I approach projects initially so as not to have half of that work and time go to waste basically.

At the moment, I have some loose ideas that I would love to work on for the final piece but there is an issue of how I would put it into a single batch and have it make sense. Initially I was thinking of making a bag/pouch/bundle out of my grandma's old canvas that I brought with me, but after some thinking, I figured I'm not skilled enough with sewing (hell, I have no experience besides some embroidery) to attempt that at this point. It might be better off as a loose piece - a sort of ball that would have facial features and would have little holes in it, from which the viewer would have to pull out small stuffed balls that would have letters on them, spelling out the names I used to be called in my earlier years, for instance: "Frankenstein", "Leper", "Sickly/Diseased", "Public Health Threat" and other that fit into that category. I've had some other "insults" which were a bit more light-hearted such as "Rudolph" and "Cherry blossom" but I feel they would not fit into the mix as much and would be better off being used in another piece of the project or maybe even later in the future should I decide to revisit the concept/topic. I should probably mention that I would not be using all of the names in that single item as it would just become overfilled and way too complicated. Using a single or a couple would be best I feel. 

The one I remember most vividly is "Frankenstein" and I think it also has some level of misconception/irony to it. It's a common mistake for people to refer to the monster as Frankenstein, even though that is the name of the scientist who created him. Naming a piece/incorporating the word into the piece would butt at the fact that every single one of the kids/teenagers that called me a Frankenstein were simply uninformed or just didn't know any better but weren't willing to correct themselves because they were, well.. kids/teenagers.

"Rudolph" or "Cherry Blossom" I see being good for making a comic/zine. "Rudolph" has potential with tying in with the Christmas story of Rudolph the deer or even going an alternative route of wanting your nose "stolen" by your parents because you're so over having everyone calling you names because of it. "Cherry Blossom" could have some plays with seasons or even deforestation or other.

The other names aren't really something I would like to revisit as there is really no way I could make light out of being called "Contaminated", "Disgusting", "Diseased" and other, those were just plain hurtful for the sake of being hurtful. Unless I figure out a way to represent the "hurtful" bit of it, I will not be using these in my project.

Going back to the idea of the bag/"plush" with extractable balls, the way it would be personal is by making the viewer interact with my "face", making them sort of experiences the sensations of touching my skin and having to pick out these imperfections and whatnot. Another point is the element of subconsciousness - meaning I will do my best to not feature imagery of myself "practicing" skin picking, but rather, leave it up to the viewer to be the hands in this situation. Nodding to the idea of me not really being conscious for the most part when I pick at my skin, thus being "separated" from my hands/not having control over them. This is a concept I want to carry out throughout the entire project.

Another idea I had and later had tutors greenlight was creating a small collection of sheets of faces using latex and binding them together to make a sort of flipbook of faces, a face book per se. In it, I would document the progression of the worsening of the situation on my face. I presented this idea in my last tutorial and was told it was alright, but a personal element would make it even better, most notably, additionally to the physical degradation, also putting a focus on the decaying mental state too. I got some suggestions on how to go about it - one of them includes incorporating (damn, I really like using this word all of a sudden) type in the booklet, writing my thoughts out on the other side of the page - the inside of the latex face. I had an idea to go with that but in a slightly different route - typing out these thoughts about my skin/face on the outside, on the face itself, but writing it mirrored, so that you could only read it on a reflective surface, as that is really when these thoughts jump out - when you see yourself. I also think leaving the eyes cut out would pose for an interesting reading experience, as the viewer would be suggested to look through my eyes, putting my skin on in order to read the story/thoughts. Making the viewer look at themselves in the mirror as they read these bodies of text on the masks they wear I believe is the definition of making someone see the world through your eyes and holds a lot of potential to play with other aspects such as touch and sound. I could manipulate the surfaces of the mask to differ with each stage and each imperfection could have a different texture and the different textures/reliefs could possibly make different sounds, would just have to figure out how to make it work/be accurate. Though, I don't think exaggerating it would be too much of an issue. Writing this out I come to the realization of how much potential this holds, might end up making this as the main/center piece..

There were some other ideas I had with making a box or some sort of a container but I don't think I have the time or the resources for that at the moment and will only look into it in the case of finishing my final pieces earlier, but I doubt that will happen.. Might end up just making a set of items that would be separate from each other for the final piece instead, but should probably talk with a tutor regarding this idea.

I think for now that is all I have to say about the solid ideas I have so far. Will most likely be making updates to this post until it is time for the next tutorial. Thinking of always doing this from now on, just making a single post per week in between tutorials, that could be better for documenting developments and such.

Thank you for reading up on the update if you did, I'm always open for suggestions and criticisms, so feel free to reach out if you have anything you'd like to say, or put it down in the comments if that's easier. Excited for the updates that will come after this post. Stay tuned!

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